Sunday, February 10, 2013

Why me?

It's the question I'm sure all women struggling with infertility ask.  We all see these people - some of them terrible people - getting pregnant left and right.  Snooki just had a baby for goodness sake.  For a year or so, I prosecuted domestic violence cases.  All these women, on drugs, in abusive relationships, and so many of them were pregnant.  Bringing children into an unstable home.  One DUI case was a woman who was pulled over with a open half gallon of vodka in her lap at 8 months pregnant.  Her lawyer came into our first meeting and said "she lost the baby."  No, she killed that baby.

I don't mean to judge others.  I know it's un-PC to feel this way. But when I see the women who have 3 kids by 3 different baby daddies, when I see the gang banger with the most adorable little girl in his arms, I just want to yell it's not fair. And then the mom voice in my head, which I hope to get to use in the near future, says "life's not fair."  And it's not.  I did it the "right" way.  I waited for a husband and financial stability and what I get in return is a negative pregnancy test month after month.

We bought our first house last year.  We have our empty nursery.  I don't dare buy anything for it until... well, until.

When you first start trying you worry you might be one of those women who can't get pregnant.  You worry, but the worry isn't real.  Then month after month goes by.  And realization dawns. You are that woman.  The one who's family stops asking about when you're having children because they know.  The one who wants to be completely happy when friend after friend announces her pregnancy on facebook but can't quite quash the jealousy.  It took me a long time to say I am infertile.  But I am.  And I don't know why.  And it's not fair.

But, I am not alone. I know there are so many others out there going through the same thing.  I am clinging to my hope and faith that I will be one of the lucky ones who overcomes infertility.  I don't know what the next step is yet.  I think we may do IUI in a couple months but have to wait until we can talk to the doctor.

The waiting is the worst part.

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