Clomid - Day 1

Started my Clomid today and so far nothing to report.  Had a slight headache in the afternoon and felt a little spacey but I get headaches fairly frequently and I didn't get a lot of sleep last night so I'm going with the other explanation.

Not much to say tonight, really.  Heading to Wisconsin tomorrow for work then back on Thursday.

MIL and BIL and Grandfather-in-law arriving tomorrow, so bring on the craziness!

Oh and my husband's 30th birthday is tomorrow (yes I am a terrible wife and have to leave on his big birthday - another reason I like my job less and less - and less).

Full house, craziness, work stress, and fertility drugs.  I'm assuming my blog posts will get more interesting as the week progresses...

Side Effect of Infertility: TMI

I never thought I'd talk openly about my cervical mucus or my husband's sperm.  Fertile people don't do that.  I realized one of the biggest side effects of my IF has been TMI yesterday, when I walked out of my bedroom and announced to my husband AND B, sitting on the couch "yay, I got my period - now we can move on with IUI!"  I talk with my friends about my uterine lining and transvaginal ultrasounds without blinking an eye.  Putting my feet in the stirrups never felt so natural.  All those embarrassing things that some people get to never discuss or go through, like the fun of HSG, lead to a lot of conversations that you would think would be difficult, but somehow I've lost my ability to be embarrassed.  It's not necessarily a bad thing but I am going to try to avoid talking about my cycle in front of my family in the future.

On another note - NO CYSTS!!!  I am cleared for IUI!

Bring on the Clomid crazies starting tomorrow!

AND the nurse said I had numerous follicles (I refuse to call them follies - follies are acts of foolishness and/or apparently a strip club in Atlanta).  Anyways all these follicles are gearing up for this cycle and she seemed very happy with how they looked.  Go ovaries go!

Clomid Crazies?

So I'm about to start Clomid in a couple days and I'm wondering if it will make me a raving "witch."  The one person I know who's taken it pretty much said she was an unbearable wreck when she was on it.  It doesn't help that I have a slew of in-laws coming into town just during the time I'll be on it.  Hoping it doesn't make me too crazy...any stories out there?  Yes, I know it varies  from woman to woman and there's really no way to tell until I take it but any guidance on how you dealt with it would be appreciated!

Here we go!

My period came - which means either tomorrow or Tuesday I will go in for my baseline ultrasound and make sure I have no cysts so we can move forward with IUI.

Please please please no cysts.  I am too excited and too tired of delays!  We waited 6 months for the surgery because old insurance didn't cover it, got new insurance that covered it when I changed jobs, and it was cancelled/rescheduled twice (once due to my doctor getting the flu and once because my body didn't cooperate and my period was late thanks to stress from the first cancellation).

I'm impatient.  If this cycle is cancelled, I will freaking cry.  And I don't know why I'm so worried about it - I haven't had cysts in my prior ultrasounds and have no reason to think I will this time - but I just want to move forward so badly.

On a side note, the treatment of my endometriosis seems to have made a WORLD of difference.  My cramps are like 1/3 as painful as they were before and (warning - TMI) my period is significantly lighter as well. So yay for that at least.

Work will be crazy this week but I don't care because I am so excited at starting our first IUI try!  I keep trying to manage my expectations and tell myself it's unlikely we'll win the lottery and have it work on the first try but either way it feels like PROGRESS.

Hope everyone had a good weekend.  Mine was crazy as usual, with the B situation and all.  His wife came over today to tell him she's filing for divorce tomorrow so at this point there is definitely no end in sight to his stay with us.  He's family and I love him but the timing is pretty non-ideal.  Add to that the fact that my mother-in-law and brother-in-law and grandfather-in-law come into town Wednesday-Sunday, right when I'm in the middle of my Clomid, does not help...

TGIFriday...kind of.

IUI update:  No period yet.  Still waiting.  Got my progesterone test back from Wednesday and it was 8.5.  Not really sure what that means and since I had surgery this month and we're not sure where in my cycle I am, the PA said we'd wait until my period comes and then count backwards and figure out if I need progesterone supplements.

In other news...

My addicted family member ... I'm going to call him B ... is already making me crazy.  He has a pretty bad oxy addiction.  Pretty bad as in he's lied and snuck around and run out repeatedly because he takes too many.  Bad as in he's facing felony charges for altering a prescription to get more pills.  At least he has not resorted to buying them on the street or anything (that I know of).

So his wife pretty much bailed on him.  I get that the addiction is a terrible thing, but she's his wife and married him knowing he was on oxy.  And he's agreed to do inpatient rehab but she won't even wait for that.  She is just out and putting their house on the market and completely done with it all.  Not exactly a for better or worse vow keeper but I suppose I should try to keep from judging her.  She's young and immature and very spoiled and I think this is all more than she can handle.  Thank God I have a husband who will stick by me through anything, including this IF crap.

So he's living with us.  At the beginning of our IUI thing.  And he's already trying to manipulate me to get more pills.  First it was "it's too embarrassing to have you hand out my pills like I'm a child."  The answer to that was "too bad - you want to live in our house this is how it will be."

Then yesterday he suggested that he be given two extra pills per week for emergencies. Stupidly, I agreed to this, leading him to think he could win the battle of the wills.  So last night I gave him his extra two pills.

Fast forward to today around 11:30 when he texts me to say he left three pills on the windowsill and now they're gone.  But the dogs seem ok so they probably didn't eat them but maybe they picked them up and left them somewhere.  Right.  He apparently thinks I'm pretty darn stupid.  So he asks me to replace them and I'm like - well you have your two emergency pills - use those.  I'm not replacing them.  So he says he took all 5 of the pills before 11:30 and now he's going to go through withdrawals.  Tough crap.  I feel like I'm being mean but can't let him get away with this crap.  If he took all 8 pills he had too quickly then he's just going to have to suffer the consequences.

Then he texts and asks if I'm ok with him going to live with his "sponsor."  Now this is the first I've heard of the "sponsor" and when I respond and ask who it is and if I can talk to him about it, I get no reply.  Now I'm home and B is in the guest bedroom sulking or sleeping or whatever.

I just do NOT need this stress right now.  I already have a deposition Monday, travel to Wisconsin Wednesday-Thursday, and a deposition on Friday two hours away.  Plus this week should be the start of the IUI cycle and now I'm playing mom to B.  I know I am getting repetitive on this post now.  I just need to vent at the moment.

So looking forward to an awkward weekend.  At least my husband will be around.  This whole thing has made me realize he might just turn out to be the strict parent and I might be the pushover!  He's firm about the rules, taking charge with the issues, and backing me up big time.  I'm so impressed with him right now and it just makes me want to make him a real dad even more.

At least on Sunday night I am taking my husband out to dinner to celebrate his birthday (since I will be away traveling for work the evening of his actual birthday).  Since it's restaurant week we are going to a very nice place for cheap!  Yay for a date with my honey!

Hope you all are having lovely weekends!

IUI Countdown

IUI is on.  As soon as my period starts.  Had a long, good appointment with the P.A. and our RE today.  Dr. B seems very optimistic about our chances and said he was very happy with the results of my surgery.

The details of my IUI:

As soon as my period starts I call them.  We schedule a baseline u/s for CD 1, 2, or 3.  On CDs 3-7 I take 100 mg of Clomid.  Then on CD9 I receive an injection of Menopur to mature my egg(s).  Finally, day 12 I have an u/s to see if I'm ready for trigger and if so here comes the HCG and then back to back IUIs.

I know the stats say back to back IUI doesn't really increase your chances, but it kind of feels like it does.  More sperm!

It seems like my RE does not monitor as closely as some but more closely than others.  I'm overall pretty happy with the protocol and the PA was so knowledgeable she answered most of my questions before the RE even got into the room.

I also asked about progesterone, because some months I spot about a week before my period.  Dr. B sent me for a blood test today and said he'll keep an eye on it after the insemination.

I am crazily trying not to think about the fact that if this works I will have a baby around Christmas.  Not thinking about it.  Not thinking about it.  Yes, I am.

Now let's just hope my body cooperates.  I'm ok with my period coming any day except Wednesday because I have to fly out to Wisconsin on Wednesday for work, back on Thursday, then a deposition scheduled for Friday morning two hours from home.  So let's hope for Monday or Tuesday!  I'm not entirely certain how I am going to handle my work demands and the demands of infertility.

As far as family drama, I can't say a lot, just in case anyone figures out this is me.  I mean I'm "anonymous" and haven't really told anyone but my two best friends I'm blogging, but I've put enough personal facts out there that if someone stumbled across this blog they could figure it out.

Suffice it to say, a family member of mine has a prescription pill addiction which has led to serious difficulties in his marriage (as he is now living with my husband and I), serious financial difficulties (as he is and has been unemployed for the last 4 months) and now, serious legal difficulties (as I expect a felony summons will be issued for him shortly).  Since I am an attorney, and his only family member in this state, a lot of this is falling on me.  And I am feeling like his parent because I am doling out his medication, locking it up, and setting "rules" for the house for my adult family member.  My husband has been great about it but it is just not the stress I need in my life right now.  Nonetheless I love him (the family member - and the husband for that matter) dearly and will do everything I can to help him get through it.  I mean, I really want to be a mother, just not to him :).

So that's my day.  Hope all is well with all of you and hoping for BFPs for you!

Tomorrow!

Appointment with RE is tomorrow to get all the details for my first IUI.

I feel like it's a cycle starting all over.  Like when we first started trying, every month I would think "it would be great if we got pregnant this month because ... " (I could announce it at Thanksgiving/Christmas/Etc. or the baby would be born...).

Now with IUI I can't help but start thinking - if it works the first time I'll have a baby around Christmas!  What a perfect present.  I know I should manage my expectations.  I also wonder if I'll feel a little guilty if it happens right away when so many women have tried for so long without success.

Anyways can't blog long tonight because some major crap went down with a family member today and I'm having to try to deal with it.  Can't give any details at this point but suffice it to say I have an unexpected houseguest and some legal research to do tonight :(.

Are you out there?

So I just looked at the blog stats and wow!  People from all over have read my little baby blog.  At least a blog doesn't require trying for month after month and then having all kinds of stuff up your hoohah.

Anyways thanks for stopping by and reading and feel free to comment.  I started this blog because I found as we moved closer to doing the IUI and then maybe IVF thing I really enjoyed reading the stories of other women who have gone through the same thing.  But a lot of them don't start blogging until they're already pretty far into it.

Hoping to record my experiences as they're new and maybe someone will enjoy reading it or learn something from it or just know that others out there feel the same things.

Like when you're about to get your period and you try to fool yourself into thinking your boobs are extra sore this month and aren't they a little darker?  All the while telling yourself you know you're not really pregnant.  You don't drink because you tell yourself there's that .1% chance and you know it's not really a chance but you still hope. And God forbid your period is a minute late because then you get to pee on a stick and watch one line, and always just one line, show up.

And others say such helpful things.  Like "you just need to stop thinking about it."  "Relax and take a vacation."  I can't take a vacation because I'm saving all my money to buy drugs I can inject into myself to try to force my body to do something that SHOULD be the most natural thing in the world but just doesn't work for me.  It is not about needing to relax and if I just stop trying I will not immediately get pregnant thank you very much.  And I know they all mean well but they just don't know what it's like.

Anyways that's my vent/rant for the day.

:)  Thinking fertile thoughts for all those anonymous people who have stopped by.

So I guess it's IUI for us

I had my followup with the P.A. at my RE's office on Friday.  She went over the results of my surgery with me in detail.

Turns out I had no blockage in the tubes at all.  None.  And mild endometriosis which was removed.  The false positive on my HSG came from a kind of "divot" where the liquid pooled.

So long story short ... we have no answers.  I asked her what that means and she basically said - you're 36 - are you ready to move on to the next step.

The next step is IUI.  We're meeting with Dr. B on Wednesday to talk about it but we've already kind of decided to move forward this month.  So, I'll be asking my huge list of questions and then waiting for my period to start the process.

Amongst the questions I have:

Should we do Clomid or injectables?  I've heard really negative things about Clomid - the side effects, the lack of results.  But injectables are more expensive - will it be worth it?

How many follicles do we want? How many are too many?  How many would cause my RE to cancel the cycle?

Do we do progesterone after the IUI and if so, suppositories or injections?

I know I will have some answers in just a couple days but am anxiously waiting for the appointment.

Also really hoping IUI works even though I know it has lower success rates.  We haven't decided whether to do one cycle or two before moving on to the big ticket item - IVF.  Would love to not have to spend the money (insurance covers NOTHING).

Recovery

Ugh...

Tried to go to work today - made it through a half day before the pain got to me and I went home.

Wednesdays are the husband's day off - he was planning to go snowboarding today but changed his mind.  He says it was because he wanted to work on the garden (I think it was because he wanted to sleep in).

So tonight when I mention how I can't wait for our follow-up with the RE next Wednesday, he gets upset and says he "made plans" (this morning) to go snowboarding next Wednesday.  Too bad.  I told him when I made the appointment when it was and there's no way I'm waiting any longer for answers from our RE.

Stuff like this is a no brainer for me but not for him.  Snowboarding vs. a treatment plan after a year and a half of trying and failing?  Duh.

Sometimes I think he still hasn't fully accepted that I'm infertile.  He thinks somehow we can just do this the old-fashioned way and it will work.  Well it hasn't and my eggs ain't getting any younger.  I want - need - to move forward with this.

What a frustrating day.

Sacrifices

I loved my old job.  I was proud of what I did.  It was interesting and crazy and stressful and I was passionate about it.  But the insurance didn't pay for anything fertility related.  And the pay was dismal. With student loans added in, it wasn't sustainable if we were going to jump into the fertility treatment realm.

I miss my old job.  Miss the the people there.  Miss the fulfillment it gave me.

And my new job?  It pays well.  Other than that, it sucks.  I have to travel, leaving my husband.  It's boring and unrewarding and going into the office every morning is harder and harder.  I keep telling myself it will be worth it.  And it will.

IF.

Yep, that's a big if.

If I get pregnant.  If we get our family.

If not...

I can't even think about it.  To give up what I love, to put myself through everything...

What if it doesn't work?  What if it never works?

We've been saving money like crazy.  As much as we can.  For the possible IVF.  What if it's all for nothing?

Babies Babies Everywhere!

It seems as soon as you start trying, babies and pregnant women pop up literally everywhere.  At one point, when we were about 6 months in, there were 8 women at my office who were pregnant or just had newborns.  In an office of only 60 people or so.  In the last year and a half, at least 15 of my facebook friends have announced pregnancy.   At least 30 people I know are either pregnant or had a baby during this time we've been trying.

At first I would happily go shopping for the baby shower.  It was half about the expectant mother and half me dreamily anticipating when I would get to start buying all the cute baby stuff for myself.  It was only a matter of time.

As time dragged on, it became harder and harder not to let my happiness for others become tinged with jealousy.  It seems so easy for others.  Many of my friends got pregnant within a couple of months of trying.

With the friends who know we're trying it's always awkward.  They don't know whether to talk about the pregnancy around me or stay away from the topic.  The one who don't know are blissfully unaware of how very badly I want what they have and tend to ask when we plan on following suit.

And it's not just the friends.  It seems everywhere I go there are big bellies and gurgling babies.  Restaurants, the grocery store, etc.  Even Paul has noticed it - he'll point out the super cute kid sitting at the table next to us and we'll have that moment of - someday - that will be us.  On the good days, seeing a smiling baby reminds us of hope.

On the bad days....  On the bad days it feels like I've been waiting forever for a baby of my own.  It feels like it will never happen.  Like we'll keep going down this road, spending huge amounts of money and getting no answers and no results.

And I feel stuck.  In limbo. Wanting to move forward and start the more advanced options but scared that it's a kind of giving up.  I want to be pregnant before my next birthday, in June.  I just don't know how we get there.

My Fault

Before my surgery, my husband insisted on calling Dr. B and asking if he should get tested a second time.  He wanted to make sure, before I went through surgery.  A sweet gesture, right?

They used the word "spectacular."  As in, with semen analysis results as "spectacular" as yours, there's no reason to retest.  Which is great.  Really, it is.

Except.  Except that means the blame for "our" infertility falls squarely on me.  My body.  My eggs?  My tubes?  My uterus?  We don't really know but we know it's not him.  

And he's loving and supportive and always acts like we're in this together.  But I know it's my body that isn't cooperating.  That if he had married someone else, someone younger, perhaps he, at least wouldn't have to go through this stress.

I couldn't keep a positive attitude without him.  I wouldn't go through this with anyone else but him.  But in a fundamental way, he doesn't completely understand what I'm going through and I don't understand what he's going through. 

My body betrayed me.  It promised fertility, every month without fail.  And then it let me down.  His functions just fine and dandy but he married an infertile woman.  It leads us to the same place but from different perspectives.

Explaining My Surgery

So I realized I didn't really talk about what my surgery was.  I had a laproscopy of my ovaries/tubes and a hysteroscopy of my uterus to look at the polyp.  So I have three incisions - two on each side right above where I imagine my ovaries are and a third in my bellybutton (they put the camera in there!).  The bellybutton one hurts and itches the mosts and I have a weird bruise around it.

The pain has not been too bad.  When I first woke up, I had some pretty bad crampy pain but told the nurse and she put something in my IV and it made me happy/fuzzy.  Since then I've had intermittent cramping pain, some abdominal soreness, and bleeding.  The percocet and vicodin Dr. B gave me have managed it quite well.

Incidentally, discussing surgery like this is always touchy.  Of course, I had to tell my work that I would be taking a couple days off for surgery.  And naturally, they asked what for? Are you ok?  Anything major?  And what do you say?  I'm not in the habit of telling everyone I'm infertile.  Unlike at the beginning, I don't want to tell people we're trying to conceive.  We did that in the beginning, which leads to that month after month of no news, getting pitying looks, and having people get all speculative every time I felt a little under the weather.

Plus - there's the added do I want people at work to know I'm trying to have a baby.  As an attorney, taking maternity leave - while not discouraged or anything - is not exactly a selling point for promotion.  It worries me for people to know I want to have kids and take leave because if they make cuts and I'm not pregnant yet ... well, maybe I'm paranoid but it concerns me.

So here's how I left it:  the woman I work most closely with knows what my surgery is all about.  I like her a lot and think I can trust her to keep my confidence.  The man who is the managing partner of my office does not, unless someone has told him, know the details.  When he asked, I said I was having minor abdominal surgery and nothing life-threatening.  It's possible he read into it but oh well.

Why me?

It's the question I'm sure all women struggling with infertility ask.  We all see these people - some of them terrible people - getting pregnant left and right.  Snooki just had a baby for goodness sake.  For a year or so, I prosecuted domestic violence cases.  All these women, on drugs, in abusive relationships, and so many of them were pregnant.  Bringing children into an unstable home.  One DUI case was a woman who was pulled over with a open half gallon of vodka in her lap at 8 months pregnant.  Her lawyer came into our first meeting and said "she lost the baby."  No, she killed that baby.

I don't mean to judge others.  I know it's un-PC to feel this way. But when I see the women who have 3 kids by 3 different baby daddies, when I see the gang banger with the most adorable little girl in his arms, I just want to yell it's not fair. And then the mom voice in my head, which I hope to get to use in the near future, says "life's not fair."  And it's not.  I did it the "right" way.  I waited for a husband and financial stability and what I get in return is a negative pregnancy test month after month.

We bought our first house last year.  We have our empty nursery.  I don't dare buy anything for it until... well, until.

When you first start trying you worry you might be one of those women who can't get pregnant.  You worry, but the worry isn't real.  Then month after month goes by.  And realization dawns. You are that woman.  The one who's family stops asking about when you're having children because they know.  The one who wants to be completely happy when friend after friend announces her pregnancy on facebook but can't quite quash the jealousy.  It took me a long time to say I am infertile.  But I am.  And I don't know why.  And it's not fair.

But, I am not alone. I know there are so many others out there going through the same thing.  I am clinging to my hope and faith that I will be one of the lucky ones who overcomes infertility.  I don't know what the next step is yet.  I think we may do IUI in a couple months but have to wait until we can talk to the doctor.

The waiting is the worst part.

Surgery - Finally!

Today, I am recovering from surgery on Friday.  It's the best and the worst. It's over but I'm still not sure we have the answers we need.  But first thing's first - the surgery itself.

Before surgery, Dr. B came to talk to me and scared the crap out of me.  He said he'd reviewed my test results again and thought there was a reasonable chance he'd have to remove my left tube and a very remote chance he'd have to remove both.  I was so scared.  I knew it was a possibility - that tubes that are blocked are toxic to embryos.  I didn't want to be at high risk of ectopic pregnancy - getting pregnant finally and having it be ectopic - I can't imagine the devastation.  But it just became so real as I lay there on the gurney being told when I woke up I might only have one tube.  Or even none.  Ultimately, I trusted Dr. B.  I knew he would do whatever was best for my fertility.

When I woke up the first thing I wanted - needed - to know was whether I still had tubes.  Good news - I did!  Both of them!  Dr. B told me the surgery couldn't have gone better.  There was some scarring, some endometriosis, but he cleaned it up.  I was pretty fuzzy but definitely remember that.  Dr. B said we would talk more about the next steps at post-op appointment since I wouldn't really remember everything right then.  But I do.

Dr. B told Paul the apparently blocked tube on the HSG was a "false positive."  My ovaries sit lower than usual and I guess it made it look like it might be blocked.  Which is good news - I think.

At home afterwards, I begin to have mixed emotions.  If the blockage was a false positive, did I just have unnecessary surgery?  I mean, I know there was no way to know it wasn't really blocked without surgery, but how could the surgery fix my fertility if it turns out my tube wasn't blocked at all.

I know I will get more information at my next appointment.  I am happy the surgery went well.  But I wonder if we are back in the same place we were before.  No definitive reason why I'm not pregnant.  Did the surgery fix anything?  Do we try without further intervention for awhile longer?  I want to move forward.   I want to be pregnant.  I'm tired of waiting.

Surgery - Attempt 2

My period didn't come on time.  The stress of getting ready for surgery and having it cancelled I guess. We rescheduled a second time - for February 8.

Surgery - 1st Attempt

My surgery was originally set for January 4.  The night before, I did all the prep - took a ton of antibiotics (which made me sick) and all the other good stuff.  Woke up in the morning hopeful and nervous after a night of fitful sleep.  Got into the shower, and when I got out there was a message on my phone.  From the doctor's office.  Dr. B had the flu and my surgery was cancelled.  I sobbed.  I was so psychologically invested in getting the surgery done - in finding answers - and the rug was pulled out from underneath me.

We rescheduled for the 28th.  It was cutting it close if my period didn't come right on time but the 4th, the ideal date, I had to be out of town for a mediation and couldn't change it.

Timing

The day after my HSG I went back to work.  I was sad and confused and didn't know how we would afford to move forward.  And then I received a call from a recruiter I had spoken with.  I had agreed to do a single job interview a few weeks before.  I figured it wouldn't hurt to have options.

The firm liked me.  My recruiter called to tell me they were offering me a job.  At triple my public service salary.  And their insurance plan covered infertility diagnosis (but not treatment). I knew I would miss my current job - it didn't pay well but I loved it and it was fulfilling.  I knew the firm job would be boring and stressful and I would not enjoy it much.

But I had to make the decision that would be best for my future family.  What choice did I have?  This job opportunity offered me the chance to do whatever is necessary to have children.  By now, it was July of 2012.  We had been trying for almost a year, and just told I needed surgery.

So I gave my notice.  My start date at the new job was in August and we decided to schedule my surgery for January.  It gave us a few more months to try and me a few months to settle into the new job.

We weren't very optimistic at this point.  Dr. B told us that if there was a blockage, the fluid in the fallopian tube could be pushed back into my uterus.  That fluid is apparently toxic to embryos and so even if I ovulated from the right side, any pregnancy might be doomed from the start thanks to my weird left tube.  So we tried, half-heartedly, until the surgery.

Every month I tried not to get my hopes up.  Every month I still greeted my period with profound sadness.  But I looked forward to the surgery, hopeful we would have answers afterwards.

HSG - (Hurts, Sucks, Gross?)

For those who are beginning the journey and have not had this test yet, it's really not as bad as my title makes it seem.  It does hurt a bit.  It sucks a lot.  And the aftermath was kind of gross for me.  Yes, this will be a TMI post.

So HSG - hysterosalpingogram - is where the doctor injects a dye into the uterus to see if it goes through the tubes and out the end.  It makes sure your tubes are patent, or open.

So I am brought into the operating room and get propped up.  Instruments, numbing stuff, etc.  I get to look at the screen as he does the test and I see my tubes appear (right before I'm hit with an incredibly bad cramp).  The dye causes cramping btw.  For me, bad cramping.  But I saw the dye go through both tubes and thought - GREAT - no blockage.  Except I'm not a doctor.  And the news Dr. B gave me afterward made me anything but happy.

As a side note, at this point the insurance from my job covered NOTHING for fertility.  We were paying out of pocket.  As the title of my blog indicates, I'm an attorney.  However, I was working in public service and making very little money.  And have lots of student loans.  So just paying for the HSG was a strain on our finances.  To make things even better (read sarcasm), the day before my HSG I found out I was passed up for a promotion everyone expected me to get.  A promotion that would have increased my pay by over 10%.

Dr. B came into the recovery room.  He told me I had a mixed review.  My right tube looked perfectly normal.  Dye went in.  Dye went out.  Dye spread out into my abdomen just like it should.  My left side was not so cooperative.  The pictures looked like the dye was pooling at the end of my tube.  Dr. B said it could mean there was scar tissue blocking the end of the tube or between the tube and ovary.  There was also a small polyp in my uterus, although he thought with its size and location that it wasn't the problem.

The only way to find out if my left tube was really blocked - surgery.  As in, $10,000 surgery out of pocket.  Shell shocked.  We really didn't know what to do.  At that point, to go forward, we would have to put the surgery on a credit card. But everything changed the next day.

The First Appointment with Dr. B

We started with a full history.  Dr. B's P.A. went through it with us.  Then Dr. B came in to talk to us. I really like him.  He's warm and intelligent and takes the time to talk us through things.

 He wanted to start out with an ultrasound.  Date number two with dear old Wanda.  I didn't mind because it sounded like good news.  No cysts.  He could see my follicles - I was close to ovulating.  And no, I do not call them follies.  Follies are acts of foolishness. Too cutsie for me by far.

Anyways he couldn't see anything to explain my failure to get pregnant.  So of course, we set an appointment for the next step - the HSG.

I know we had only been trying for 8 months or so at that point. But I was so impatient.  I still am.  But at this point, I was still in denial.  I just kept telling myself it was normal for it to take that long to get pregnant.  Besides, I had no forewarning that getting pregnant would be a problem, other than my age.  I was an on-the-dot menstrauter.  Yes, I'm making up that word.  Every month, regular as clockwork.  The only times my period was late were moments I was under incredible stress - at boot camp (I was in the Marine Corps Reserves for 6 years), the month of my wedding, etc.

A lot of my friends who had trouble had plenty of warning. Irregular periods, hormone problems, etc.  Not me.  I hated my period but always went through it with the attitude that it was a badge of my fertility - a symbol of my ability to have children someday.  And I always wanted children - longed for them.  So onto the next step - the HSG.  Wherever this journey went, I was determined to follow it through until we reached our goal.

The Beginning

I am infertile.  There, I said it.  I avoided it for as long as I could but the simple fact is, my husband and I have been "trying" for almost a year and a half.  I know that doesn't compare to what some women have gone through but it's still a long time.

My husband and I were married in September, 2011.  Because I was already 35 at the time, we started trying right away.  The first few months were exciting.  Ooh, am I pregnant?  I feel a little nauseous.  Every time I spotted I wondered if it was implantation bleeding.  Of course, it never was.

After the first few tries, the fun faded.  I started tracking my temp and peeing on ovulation tests.  Sex became more and more of a chore - "we have to" because it's close to ovulation.  I started reading all the blogs, the books, the articles.  I ovulated - the sticks, my temp, and my every 28 days without fail period all say I do - but nothing more.  I am type A to the core - I am not accustomed to failing at things.  I kept thinking if we tried harder we'd just get it.  S

Once, we thought we had done it.  I had a hot flash.  Never had one before, never since.  Immediately jumped online and googled hot flash and pregnancy and of course it can be a symptom.  But lo and behold there came my period without fail.

After 6 months we went to see my primary care physician.  She ordered an ultrasound and blood work. Ah, my first appointment with the lovely transvaginal ultrasound wand.  How naive I still was.  Ultrasound showed nothing to indicate infertility.  Blood work was just fine.  No answers.

My husband, we'll call him Paul because that's his name, did his test too.  Let's just say he was beyond fine.  It's definitely not him.

My doctor recommended we try for a few more months then make an appointment with a specialist - Dr. B.  We tried.  We failed.  We called Dr. B.