It seems as soon as you start trying, babies and pregnant women pop up literally everywhere. At one point, when we were about 6 months in, there were 8 women at my office who were pregnant or just had newborns. In an office of only 60 people or so. In the last year and a half, at least 15 of my facebook friends have announced pregnancy. At least 30 people I know are either pregnant or had a baby during this time we've been trying.
At first I would happily go shopping for the baby shower. It was half about the expectant mother and half me dreamily anticipating when I would get to start buying all the cute baby stuff for myself. It was only a matter of time.
As time dragged on, it became harder and harder not to let my happiness for others become tinged with jealousy. It seems so easy for others. Many of my friends got pregnant within a couple of months of trying.
With the friends who know we're trying it's always awkward. They don't know whether to talk about the pregnancy around me or stay away from the topic. The one who don't know are blissfully unaware of how very badly I want what they have and tend to ask when we plan on following suit.
And it's not just the friends. It seems everywhere I go there are big bellies and gurgling babies. Restaurants, the grocery store, etc. Even Paul has noticed it - he'll point out the super cute kid sitting at the table next to us and we'll have that moment of - someday - that will be us. On the good days, seeing a smiling baby reminds us of hope.
On the bad days.... On the bad days it feels like I've been waiting forever for a baby of my own. It feels like it will never happen. Like we'll keep going down this road, spending huge amounts of money and getting no answers and no results.
And I feel stuck. In limbo. Wanting to move forward and start the more advanced options but scared that it's a kind of giving up. I want to be pregnant before my next birthday, in June. I just don't know how we get there.
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