... because I have a secret. And I'm scared to put it out there in writing. Scared I'll somehow jinx this and it will all go horribly wrong. But I'm about to tell more than my close circle of friends so I guess it's time to share it here.
Today I am 13 weeks pregnant.
13 weeks. The "safe" zone. So why am I still so nervous?
There's a whole lot more to tell - about my experience with the clinic, the Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) that followed my embryo transfer and led to hospitalization in Prague, and all my wonderful pregnancy symptoms (so tired all the time and I crave tacos).
But for now I'll just say I'm back and I'm pregnant.
We saw the baby last weekend on an ultrasound and for the first time it really looked like a baby. It had hiccups and the little kick of its legs as it hiccuped was perhaps the cutest thing I'd ever seen in my life, topped only a moment later when the baby stuck her/his thumb in her/his mouth. I can't express it. Every day I talk to my belly and tell it to keep growing - hang in there. Every day I worry and look at every single piece of toilet paper every time I wipe (and I pee a lot so I wipe a lot) and search for any sign of things going wrong.
But so far, so good. Baby is measuring ahead of schedule by a few days and has a nice strong heartbeat. This could really happen - finally - after all the time and heartbreak and surgery and treatments and drugs - I am in my second trimester.
Thanks for reading - I will keep posting and do some posts on the trip abroad and filling in the time between. I just couldn't put it out there for the world to see before now so I hope you'll forgive my silence. All prayers continue to be appreciated as we go day by day with the pregnancy!