Monday, March 25, 2013

A little bit pregnant

They say you can't be a little bit pregnant.

I am.

My hcg today came back at 22.  Not good.

It's pretty low - the average for 14dpo is 48.  But it's not impossible that this will still turn into a viable pregnancy.  I am still pregnant, just not sure for how long.

I was in shock and unhappy with the number when the nurse called.  She seemed unfazed and said it was a start and we would have to see what the number is on Wednesday when I have bloodwork again.  She also said congratulations.  

So this is beta hell.  I am praying so hard for God to strengthen the little embryo (hopefully) in my uterus.  

Grow, little one, grow!

Need it to double or greater by Wednesday - otherwise I don't think there's much hope for the pregnancy.

DH tells me to be positive - he is still sure things will work out.  But I'm so scared.  I finally - finally - got pregnant and now it might be an even bigger disappointment than those many months where nothing happened at all.  

I also don't want this news at work.  Thinking about working from home on Wednesday so that if it is bad news I can deal with it in private.

For today I am pregnant and trying to stay positive.  Lots of cramping going on and I'm going to pretend it's caused by little baby bean setting up shop in there.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

I am a bad blogger!

So much to catch up and with the progesterone I have just been so tired after work all I want to do is eat dinner and go to bed.  Ugh.

Side effects of progesterone - boobs hurt, moody, and TIRED.  Plus I had a three day headache.

Of course, every little twinge for the last week has made me wonder if it's implantation.  On Thursday (day 9/10piui) I broke down and POAS.  I blame my DH.  I was trying to wait until Fri/Sat but he suggested I check and of course I went along with it.  It was a BFN.  So all day at work on Thursday and Friday I was bummed.  I mean, I knew it was early but still disappointing.

On Friday night I met up with a friend and her boyfriend and just hung out at a Mexican place and had dinner.  I was so tempted to order a beer after the BFN but held off.  As we were chatting I looked down and realized it was almost 8:30.  This was a problem because a) I was out of progesterone; b) my pharmacy was 30 minutes away; c) my next dose was due at 7:30 this morning and the pharmacy didn't open until 9 a.m.; and d) the pharmacy closed at 9.

I booked it to the pharmacy - RAN into the grocery store - and just made it.  I was relieved but kind of like - meh, it probably didn't work anyways.


So I got up this morning to test.  Was pretty sleepy and only waited a couple minutes.  Saw nothing and figured it was another BFN.  Went back to bed. About 15 minutes later got up to do my progesterone dose.  Looked at the stick again.  Wait.  Just barely there - so faint I thought my eyes might be playing tricks on me - a second line.  Woke DH up and turned on the lights and made him look.  He saw it too.

I have studied that line so much today.  It's extremely faint but in the light it's definitely there and pink.  I have googled evaporation lines and am pretty sure (but not totally sure) that it is not one.  In short, I am pretty sure I had my very first BFP in a year and a half of trying.  I know you're not supposed to read tests after 10 minutes (and it was like 15) but I am so hopeful and excited right now.  DH is absolutely convinced it's definitely a BFP.

Testing again tomorrow.  Praying for a darker line!  I really don't know how to feel right now - I keep going back to look at my pee stick in the sunlight and confirm that I really did see a second line.  It's so faint but it's there.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Day 5/6 of the wait

Well, I'm almost a week into the wait and planning to test on Friday.  Starting to get to the point where I search for symptoms.

So far, not much.  Had very light cramping two nights ago (seems too early to be implantation cramping so I'm guessing it was the progesterone).  Sore boobs = progesterone.  Had to pee a lot yesterday but I drank a ton of water because I was super thirsty (progesterone?).

I had  a dream night before last that I took an HPT and it was positive.  My husband started to get excited and then I told him it was only the HCG shot.  Weird.  I wish I could dream about a baby, but those dreams are extremely rare for me.  Maybe that's for the better.

I've decided to tell my boss on Monday about what's going on.  I already told human resources a couple weeks ago.  He seems to think I'm "not engaged" and he's not sure how committed to the job I am.  I am hoping if I make it clear that I am going through IF treatments and these take a lot out of me physically and emotionally that maybe he will understand it's not that I don't care about my job but that I have a medical issue that I have to deal with at this time.  Trying to hold on to the job as long as possible since it's what makes the IF treatment financially possible.  And my RE has pretty much told me that since the endo will grow back over time, I need to take advantage of the six months post-surgery that I am at the most fertile I will likely be for the rest of my life.  Age + endo = not so fertile.  The longer I wait, the less likely it is that I will be able to have biological children.

It is incredibly hard to maintain a demanding job while doing fertility treatment.  My RE is 40 minutes north of my house and my work is 45 minutes south.  So when I have an appointment or bloodwork, by the time I get to work I've already been driving and being injected/ultrasounded/whatever for two+ hours.  Add in the drugs, which cause fatigue, dizzyness, headaches, back pain, etc., and the day to day of working long hours can be almost impossible.  For instance, my boss said he wanted to see me in the office until 8 p.m. and working on weekends to show my dedication. Well I am on progesterone supplements.  TMI WARNING I take my morning dose vaginally so that I can go to work without major side effects.  I have to take my evening dose precisely at 7:30.  Taking this vaginally is gross - it means I have to wear a panty liner all day as gunk leaks out and I feel constantly squishy.  So, as recommended by my nurse, I take the pill orally at night to give myself a break.  After taking the pill, I have side effects. Dizzyness, tiredness, NyQuil-like feelings.  I would not want to drive after taking it for at least a couple hours, not to mention it kind of puts me to sleep. So I can't take it orally at work.  And I really don't want to go into the work bathroom to give myself a vaginal suppository.  I could if I had to but I REALLY REALLY don't want to.

The moral of the story?  Progesterone sucks.  Bosses who don't understand suck.  Infertility sucks.  And I'm a whiner today.  Sorry about that - will try to be more positive in my next blog!

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Not really my first 2ww

So I keep referring to this as my first 2ww because it's the first time I did IUI.  Then I realized it's really not my first 2ww.  (For the uninitiated, the 2ww is the 2 week wait between the IUI or IVF and when you test to see if you're pregnant).

My first 2ww was back in September, 2010, right after my wedding.  The first few were actually exciting.  I spent two weeks wondering, hoping, taking every little twinge as a sign I was pregnant.  The longer we tried, the more frustrating the 2ww became.

I started tempering my hope with pragmatism.  Started downplaying any "symptom" while secretly hoping this was the month.

Now it's like moving from the minor leagues to the majors (or maybe from college to the minors since I haven't had to do IVF yet).  The 2ww is once again kind of new and brings with it all kinds of mixed emotions.

I want to be hopeful.  Everything went as well as we could have hoped.  And now we have the monetary investment as well as the fact I am doing a job I hate to afford it.  On the other hand, I don't want to get my hopes up and face the disappointment if it didn't work.  I don't know how to manage these emotions and feel increasingly distracted at work.

It's very hard to manage a marriage, a demanding career, B's addiction (he went to rehab yesterday so hopefully that will be less of a stressor), and IF.  I feel like one of the balls I'm juggling is going to fall, and if I have to drop one I have to choose my job....

Monday, March 11, 2013

The 2ww

For the uninitiated, the 2ww is the two week wait - that time between insemination or ivf and the point at which you take a pregnancy test.

Round 2 of IUI was today and went well - DH had more than double the sperm from yesterday - 60 million post-wash!

Now I will wait.  I start progesterone on Wednesday.  We're not sure I need the progesterone but my test was borderline plus I sometimes have suspicious spotting so to be on the safe side my RE put me on it.


RE told me I can take oral or vaginal but according to everyone, vaginal is the better way to go because there is better absorption.  So it looks like I will be using a vaginal suppository twice a day for the next couple weeks (at least).  If I'm really lucky and it worked, I will use it for my first trimester.  Just another one of the little joys of infertility treatment.  Other women get two pink lines and start picking names and shopping at babies r us.  Infertile women wait and wait and pray and cry and wait and pray and undergo painful and embarrassing procedures and finally (hopefully) get a positive and then worry their way through the first trimester with close monitoring.

I'm pretty sure the wait is going to drive me absolutely crazy but as of right now I'm just glad things went well and trying to rest.

Time for a nap!

Sunday, March 10, 2013

IUI #1!

Went in for IUI number one today!

Arrived at 8 and shortly thereafter DH went to produce his sample.  After we turned in the sample we ended up waiting an hour and a half (it was a busy Sunday apparently).

After that it was easy going.  Went back and laid down on a table, legs in the stirrups - the usual.  Speculum just like a pap and I didn't even feel the catheter go in.  According to the nurse, we had 28 million motile sperm post-wash (they wash the sperm and remove the dead ones and stuff) which is supposed to be pretty darn good!

Now I'm just chilling out, taking it easy today.  Back tomorrow for round 2.

Also they gave me a prescription for progesterone and said I can take it orally or vaginally - my choice. Well my choice would obviously be orally (much easier) but am wondering if it's better (for absorption?) to do vaginal?  Looks like I'll be consulting Dr. Google on this one.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Counting follicles

So I went into my ultrasound appointment on Thursday hoping for 2-4 follicles and hoping to have my trigger shot of HCG so we could do the IUI on Friday-Saturday.  No such luck.  The woman doing my ultrasound looked at my right side and said "looks sleepy over there, nothing going on."  Then looked at my left and saw one follicle but not big enough yet to trigger.  On the positive side, my lining was 11 (and anything over 8 is great) and had the "triple stripe" they look for that means it's ready for implantation.

I was very disappointed at only one follicle.  I mean, I ovulate on my own every month.  I can produce one follicle without the drugs and side effects so I felt like it was a waste.  They scheduled me to come back in to see how it had grown today (Saturday).

Imagine my surprise when a different lady swung the ultrasound over to my right ovary and I said "they said it's sleepy over there" and she said - look this is your right ovary and there were two big black circles (follicles) sitting right there.  Yes, somehow lady #1 MISSED two follicles on my right side.  And when she went back to the left, the one from the left is SMALLER than the two on the right.  So how does that happen?  DH is pretty pissed but I'm just trying to be happy that it turns out I have at least 2 that should be mature and possibly 3!

Triggered today!
Follicles were:
17x20 (left side)

Going in tomorrow for IUI 1 and Monday for IUI 2!

Grow follicles grow (but don't ovulate until tomorrow please)!

Now sitting here with twinges around my ovaries - guessing it's a result of the HCG.

I have to admit I'm tempted to take a HPT just to see those two lines I've never seen before - even though I know it would only be because of the trigger shot and not because I'm pregnant.

Praying hard this weekend.

Also, my job sucks and is getting worse by the day.  Success here would make it so much better.

Please God, let at least one of those beautiful little follicles produce a good egg and let it be fertilized!  And then implant!  And then stay put for about 9 months!

Monday, March 4, 2013

Did I speak too soon?

So ... no more Clomid but LOTS more back pain.  My back is sore.  Not screaming in pain, can't get out of bed sore, but irritatingly and convincingly sore.  Can't move too quickly and feeling very stiff.  Which of course makes me wonder - is it working too well and I'm getting overstimulated?  Or maybe it's not working at all and I just tweaked my back somehow.

I had my menopur shot today.  It's just subcutaneous so the needle was tiny and not scary at all.  But it burned going in.  Didn't notice any new side effects from it, other than I really had no appetite for lunch.

And I found out my boss is going to have meetings with those of us who aren't billing "enough" hours, specifically last month.  I had surgery last month.  This is the kind of stuff that just irritates the crap out of me.  I'm going through infertility treatment and trying to keep up with work (I haven't missed any deadlines or anything) and sometimes it just starts to feel like too much.  It probably doesn't help that we just had a houseful of guests and the whole B drug thing.

This is turning into a pity party tonight, so I think I'll just sign off.  I know a lot of people out there have it a lot worse than me and I should focus on the fact that despite my infertility, I have a very blessed life.    I have a loving husband and a job that helps me pay for infertility treatments, even if it's stressful and I hate it.  And I have a supportive family, great friends, a nice house, and a sweet little dog.

That's my mantra for the next couple weeks - focus on the good.  Not sure if I'll be able to stick with it the whole way but I'm going to try!

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Catching Up

Haven't really had the time/energy  to post the last couple days.  Had so much family in town and so much going on.  So I left off on Friday?

Friday was day 4 of Clomid.  Drove over 2 hours for a deposition.  Luckily it didn't take too long and I was back home by early afternoon.  As far as Clomid side effects I started having lower back pain. Not scream out loud pain, but way sore ouch pain. 

Got home from the deposition and husband said my MIL wanted to go to her brother's house (where his grandfather was staying) because she was bored and anxious and etc.  So he lends her our Forerunner.  The car that is not paid off.  She leaves shortly after I got back and not five minutes later calls to tell us she got in an accident.

ARGH!  And it was her fault.  And now our insurance will be going up and if we ever try to sell the car it will show up that it's been in an accident and we have to go through the pain in the butt stuff of getting it looked at by the insurance company and repaired.  So frustrating and stressful and not what I need right now!

Yesterday was pretty similar - lower back pain.  Other than that (and some tiredness but that could just be the family visiting thing), I was good.   Had a big dinner with family which was delicious.  And everyone, including B, left this morning (B is going to hang out with some other family members for the week and then possibly right into rehab).  Sweet Lord Jesus it is soooooo nice to have our house to ourselves again!!!  Love my family but having a full house when we're doing this IUI thing and I'm on hormones is difficult to say the least. 

Today we are doing loads of laundry, running errands, and date night tonight!  Have reservations at a nice restaurant and trying to relax before this upcoming week.  Of course, I've already started worrying...

My ovaries feel swollen and weird.  It's weird that I can feel them at all.  So of course I worry I'm responding too well to the stims and I will ovulate before my ultrasound on Thursday (CD12).  I have my menopur shot tomorrow and wonder if I should ask my PA if we can check and see if I'm responding, but an ultrasound costs $270 and insurance covers nothing.  So I really should wait.  Then again, we've already spent over $600 on this IUI cycle, so if something goes wrong we are out that money!  On the flip side, what if I'm NOT responding and we only end up with my usual one follicle?  Ugh...there are just too many things that can go wrong and I'm driving myself crazy!!!

Friday, March 1, 2013

Clomid - Days 2 and 3

Day 2

Again, I can't complain.  I had a bout of nausea (ironically just when the in-laws arrived) and other than that I was fine.

Day 3

BLOAT!  Ugh!  On the plane back from Wisconsin, very (seemingly) quickly got bloated and uncomfortable.  Lots of (TMI warning) gas pains and just couldn't wait to get home and lie down.  Still, not too terrible overall.

On a side note:  Am I being unreasonable?  I want my husband to have no alcohol before the IUI  Wednesday was his birthday and he went out with his friends Tuesday night and I asked if that could be his last alcohol before the IUI.  He said sure.  Then he went out to dinner with his family Wednesday and says he had a beer.  Then last night he was drinking a glass of red wine.  I know this is not a lot of alcohol but for goodness' sake we are spending $2000 on this and I am going through all this crap and can't he just hold of on the alcohol for a week and a half?!?!  Rant over.

Also, Clomid may be making me moody but I don't think so.  Drinking is not that big a thing to give up for just a couple weeks so we can have maximum fertility.  I am drinking that pom juice every day and taking all these supplements and giving up soda and crap.  The least he can do is not kill his swimmers with alcohol!!!